Thoughts Akimbo

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Archive for June, 2009

If trailers told the truth

So I was sitting through another really, very bad movie, and I wondered: what if the movie trailers were honest with us? What if they told us, right up front, how little value the film had? It’s a bold concept, I know – but it would be worth arriving early to the theater to sit through a trailer as honest as this:

“Some movies are just plain bad … and others are really FANCY bad!

Only a handful of American filmmakers could have made a film like this, and most of them died long ago of preventable social diseases.

Some movies are a pointless waste of time … while others are a waste of time that makes a very good point indeed.

Monkey See, Monkey Don’t is such a film.

Never has a film meant so little to so many. Never has a film been so unapologetically, remorselessly, appallingly bad. Monkey See, Monkey Don’t sets the bar extremely low, and then crawls UNDER it.

Are you searching for a deeper meaning to the seemingly random violence and surreal plot twists that make up most of this film? You can stop looking RIGHT NOW.

It’s not just a bad, bad movie. It has the potential to be viewed as one of the great bad movies of all time. It’s a movie you will forget within moments of leaving the theater – and ISN’T THAT THE POINT??

Monkey See, Monkey Don’t – ignore it if you dare. It will not go away. It will gross more than anyone predicted, simply because it is so thoroughly unwatchable. Millions of Americans will fail to watch it many, many times. Some will rent the DVD, begin watching it, and then switch absent-mindedly to the Dog Whisperer—and NEVER EVEN NOTICE. Some will pay to get into the movie twice, because they won’t remember that they already sat through it once!

But only once in a lifetime comes a movie so relentlessly bad, it makes you wish the word “bad” had more “d’s” in it. It makes you question the whole film industry—and perhaps the very meaning of existence itself!

Monkey See, Monkey Don’t. See it. Or DON’T.”

I don’t know about you, but I’d have to see it. But then, my judgment about movies is somewhat skewed, especially if monkeys are involved. I guess that’s how I end up sitting through so many regrettable movies. In some cases, twice.

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