Thoughts Akimbo

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Candy wisdom just for women

A National Confectioner’s Association survey discovered more than half of men ask for help when choosing a Valentine’s Day gift.
But here’s a shocker: A full 10 percent of men ask for help from the cashier.
That’s right, ladies. The girl behind the counter at Big Mart -the one who has “Metal Rox!” written on her hand in ballpoint pen -is helping decide what kind of present you’ll get.

Horrified? Confused? I’ll bet there are other things you didn’t know about Valentine’s Day. Check yourself with this quiz:

1. Because they give a lot of gifts on V-Day, and receive very few, the NCA has named men:
A. America’s Biggest Sweethearts.
B. America’s Biggest Suckers.
C. America’s Poorest Credit
Risks.
D. America’s Most Wanted.
(Correct answer: A. They’re sweethearts. But some are also on the Most Wanted list.)

2. The most popular conversation heart candy bears the message:
A. “I (heart) you”
B. “Be mine”
C. “Caution! Do Not Eat!”
D. “Insert Text Here”
(Correct answer: B. The command “Be Mine” has been considered a conversation starter since caveman days, and quite a seductive one, too.)

3. According to the survey, women like to get a box of chocolates after a romantic dinner. Men prefer to receive their chocolates:
A. First thing in the morning.
B. Delivered nude.
C. Both A & B.
D. Peeking from between the bottles of a six-pack.
(Correct answer: A. But our own research indicates a significant percentage prefer beer delivered by someone nude, first thing in the morning).

4. In the survey, 75 percent of men said they planned ahead for V-Day. Our research indicates these preparations involved:
A. Putting on a clean shirt.
B. Shaving extra hard.
C. Arranging to be out of town on business.
D. Asking the cashier, in advance, what the wife might like.
(Correct answer: B. And in many cases, the extra hard shave is performed in the car on the way home).

5. Both men and women agree, the most romantic place to eat chocolates together is:
A. In front of a fireplace.
B. In front of a divorce judge.
C. In front of starving wolves.
D. In the front row at a wrestling match.
(Correct answer: A. Eating in front of starving wolves may be the most interesting, but not the most romantic.)

6. In the 1800s, physicians commonly prescribed chocolate to cure:
A. The grippe and the vapors.
B. The heebie-jeebies.
C. The lovesick blues.
D. Carpal tunnel syndrome.
(Correct answer: C. No effective treatment has been found for the heebie-jeebies.)

7. Legendary lover Madame Du Barry served her suitors chocolate because it made them more:
A. Cooperative
B. Amorous
C. French
D. Cocoa-scented
(Correct answer: B. Her suitors were already French).

8. Montezuma, king of the ancient Aztecs, believed chocolate would make him:
A. Taller.
B. A stud muffin.
C. The next Republican presidential nominee.
(Correct answer: B. Historians believe Montezuma was actually a Libertarian.)

9. Conversation hearts once came in other shapes, including horseshoe, baseball and:
A. Watch.
B. Rhomboid.
C. Pancreas.
(Correct answer: A. The pancreas never caught on.)

10. The 8 billion conversation hearts produced this year could:
A. Circle the Earth 30,000 times.
B. Stretch from Rome to Arizona.
C. Choke a wooly mammoth, if they still existed.
D. Persuade someone attractive to date you.
(Correct answer: B. Sorry. That date will take more than candy.)

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